Fun Facts [Don't Believe Them]

Hello, my loyal readers.  I apologize, firstly, for neglecting this cluster-fuck of nonsense I call my blog.  Give me some credit, though, I am on a one-post-a-week diet [could be more annoying, could be less annoying].  Not that any of you could care less, but I have been busy studying for the LSAT [yes, I do other things than tweet, listen to music, and beg for your readership].  For those of you who don't speak acronym-ology, I forgive your ignorance [Law School Admission Test]. 

That's enough about me, let's talk about me, me.  I was thinking the other day [my usual segue] about some random facts I've come across in my life, be it on Twitter, Google, or under the cap of a Peach Tea Snapple [Yum!].  A lot of these facts are useless and to be honest with you, pretty fucking erroneous in my opinion [my opinion supersedes yours].  I'm the king of useless and erroneous facts however, so I absorb that shit like a pair of Depends on your grandmother [commence 3 minute vomit break].  For instance, one "fact" read something like this: "Only 2% of the world's population possesses green eyes."  Fun fact about me #1: I have green eyes.  So I'm special right?  I'm finally unique in society?  No [ah, shucks]. 

You see, "Eye Color" [all of this is by pure assumption, by the way] is most-likely documented when a child is born, say, on a "Birth Certificate".  Well, what about those millions of children who are born undocumented in Africa, Asia, and Africasia?  Exactly.  They probably have brown eyes in the first place [it's not racist, it's a fact] so they are automatically discounted from the "population" in the aforementioned "fact" because they, as well as their eye color, are undocumented.  In all reality, the "2%" is just a sample of a sub-sample of a sample's sub-sample.  Get what I'm saying here?  It's not really a fucking fact. 

The next "fact" I read [and I'm not double-checking these] was something like: "At night, the average person falls asleep within 7 1/2 minutes".  Really?  Fun fact about me #2: I don't fall asleep within 7 1/2 minutes.  It takes me fucking days to fall asleep. I'm talking for-ev-er [Squints' voice from Sandlot].  I started writing this post on Tuesday night and I've been up since.  And again, who is recording this experimental data and putting it on the bottle caps of delicious Snapple treats?  Is there a tiny man in your room [yes] watching you sleep, with a miniature stopwatch in hand?  Every time you lay down for bed [or is it, "lie down"?] --"Click"-- there goes the data retriever man watching you.  Shit! You didn't actually fall asleep --"Click"-- restart timer.  Seriously, how do they get this information? They make it up, that's how.

Here's another brilliant one.  I just went to UberFacts' twitter page to find one that really chapped my ass: "Left-handed people die, on average, 9 years earlier than right-handed people." Fun fact about me #3: I'm right-handed, bitches [sorry I'm not sorry, southpaws].  Don't get me wrong, I'm sure there is statistical evidence that can prove or disprove this "fact".  But, c'mon! Is there really a person working in every morgue, every hospital, and every coroners' office checking two boxes: "Handedness" and "Age at Expiration"?  Probably not.  And if for some reason you, God bless your soul, are employed in this sort of field, mark me down for "Right" and "32". 

I realize it may be difficult to understand my sense of reasoning here [or lack thereof].  Even so, I've come to the conclusion that with my unique green eyes, my abnormal insomnia, and my lifespan that is nine years longer than yours, I'm not really all that special.  Except for the FACT that I have a blog and you just wasted 10 minutes of your day reading it [GOT 'EM!]!

HAPPY FRIDAY, FRIENDS!