Society: You're a Crazy Breed

Think of an animal that begins with the letter 'I' [Yes, you].

Next, think of a country that begins with the letter 'D'.

Don't peak.

I said don't peak!

Ok, now that I know you're thinking about an iguana in Denmark, let's get started. If by chance you were thinking of an Indochinese tiger in the Dominican Republic, stop reading National Geographic and start reading this. I saw that trick in a movie called Biutiful. The title, Biutiful, is an awful Spanish spelling of the English word, "beautiful". This has absolutely nothing to do with what is to follow, but I digress [Digress spelled ADhD in Spanish].

Yes, as a matter of fact, I did create this image [Thanks to Google, Microsoft Paint and photographic piracy]

As I was saying, television is ridiculous these days. You can't watch five whole minutes without being bombarded by boner-inducing pharmaceutical commercials, inundated by imbeciles like Binder and Binder, or guilt-tripped by an old man telling you that, "a penny-a-day feeds a family of 8 in Africa" [Yeah, with pennies]. A penny a day doesn't even feed a dead dog in Africa, dumb ass.

Speaking of dead dogs, how sad are those ASPCA commercials [See what I did there?]? Yes, you know exactly what I'm talking about. The commercials where Sarah McLachlan is monotonously droning in the background about being "in the arms of an angel" while pictures of maliciously treated dogs and satanic cats tirelessly fade in and out. We live for those commercials. We loathe them, but love them; we dread them, but desire them; we want them, but want to be weened from them [Sorry, tangents...].

This is what is fucked up about our society: we will inevitably watch those goddamn animal cruelty commercials with tears streaming down our cheeks but when a commercial comes on about a starving child in Afr... CLICK ["I was planning on switching the channel back anyways."-everyone]. Those starving African children commercials are heartbreaking, don't get me wrong. But, no one, I mean absolutely NO ONE, wants to sit through those commercials [Exceptions: Mother Theresa, my mother, Princess Diana, and Angelina Jolie]. And it has nothing to do with our lack of desire to "give back" or our "xenophobic views of the world", but more so to do with the fact that we, as an American society, hate feeling guilty.

What I'm trying to say here is we'll gladly sit on a channel and get a little teary-eyed watching Bruno and Princess whimper and pant on the screen because we don't feel guilty. We know we didn't do that to Bruno or Princess [Michael Vick did.]. But God forbid we listen for a millisecond to the instructions of this senile, eighty-year-old white man on how to donate money to starving African children, because he's making us feel guilty. Hang on, Mr. Spokesperson of Saving the World. I need to finish this Costco bag of pizza flavored Combos before I lick the pizza flavored Combo dust off my fingers, fumble around in my lazy boy for the remote, and put my SONY Digital Dolby surround sound on mute. Just so I don't have to feel guilty. Feeling guilty yet? [Me neither.].

Eddie Vedder said it best when he said it best, "Society, you're a crazy breed." Damn right we are. We're a crazy fucking breed, Eddie. That's just it, though. We are a breed. We are a breed of well-to-do Earth citizens that hate feeling guilty about being well-to-do Earth citizens. And you can't forget, we love our animals over here [This is America, bitch]. Who's to say Eddie Vedder wasn't hinting towards our society somehow being an ancestral relative to an undisclaimed breed of dog? Maybe that's why we can relate to them so much. Maybe that's why we change the channel on those "penny-a-day" commercials but marinate in our own tears during the ASPCA ones. Ever think about that?

No?

Me neither. I just needed a way to tie all this shit together.

Happy Hump Day.