Irony Isn’t so Ironic Sometimes

First of all, I’m going to go ahead and assume everyone understands what the definition of “irony” is before I get started here. Secondly, I’m going to assume that everyone has heard of or is familiar with Alanis Morissette’s polar-opposite-of-ironic song entitled, “Ironic” [It Isn’t Fucking Ironic]. This song absolutely bothers me. Like it bothers me in a way that it shouldn’t really bother me [You’ll see why].

Have you ever taken the time to listen to these lyrics? [Probably not]. Well, I have. And let me tell you, there is nothing ”ironic” about the shitty, god-forsaken life Alanis Morissette is singing about. Let’s start with dissecting some of these lyrics [Brace yourselves, I’m about to get abrasive].

“An old man turned ninety-eight/he won the lottery and died the next day”. Wow. Way to set the tone for the most depressing song ever, Alanis. But is it really, ironic? [No]. Wouldn’t it be ironic if, ”An old man, turned ninety-eight/met his son for the first time and died the next day”? Or perhaps it would be ironic for, “A baby boy, 8 pounds 2 ounces in weight/born two hours ago and died the same day”? No. None of these things are ironic. They are all just fucking awful, helpless situations and I can’t believe you made me think such terrible thoughts, you satanic Canadian.

Another blatantly non-ironic lyric that Alanis wrote: “It’s like rain on your wedding day/a free ride, when you’ve already paid”. Hmm, let’s think again here. Is she writing about irony or the absolute shittiest possible things to happen to a human being in one day? There is zero irony in a rainstorm ruining one of the happiest days of a person’s life. At the same time, there is absolutely nothing ironic about paying for a ride and learning later on that it was, in fact, free. These are just a series of unfortunate events that rarely happen to anybody except a nappy-haired, washed-up, 90’s alternative singer [Yes, you, Alanis].

And don’t tell me “the good advice, that you just didn’t take” is ironic [Because it just isn’t]. If one chooses to not take ”the good advice”, then God bless them. That is completely up to their own discretion. And that "traffic jam, when you’re already late" bullshit? You should have thought to leave the homeless shelter a little bit earlier, Alanis. What about the “ten thousand spoons, when all you need is a knife”? How about a fork. You can’t eat anything with just a knife [Idiot].

Ok, maybe I am the one lost in translation here. Maybe Alanis does have some legitimate irony in her lyrics. But for the love of mankind could you at least cheer it up a bit? Am I correct in saying that “irony” is a literary device used to show humor in a revealed outcome that is contrary to what originally was expected? [Yes, because I fucking dictionary.com’d what “irony” is]. Still, she must have missed her scheduled time to take those happy pills because these lyrics make me want to head-first swan dive off of the 3rd floor balcony at Sigma Chi [Bro shout out]. So next time, Alanis, please don’t call it “Ironic”. Just call it, “I’m Having a Shitty Day and Writing About All of the Shittiest Shit that Could Happen to A Shitty Person Like Me”. Thanks [You’re welcome].

Author’s Note: This piece was entirely out of left field. Which is kind of ironic [don’t you think?], because I tend to be more favorable to right field. Nevertheless, I hope you enjoyed my cynicism, sarcasm, and overall distaste for Alanis Morissette and her music. If I can withstand my ears bleeding and restrain myself from smashing my head through a coffee table, I might write a piece on Nickelback [Ha! I’d rather get stuck in a traffic jam, when I’m already late].